Christmas Eve

Arguably my favorite day of the year. Many of you know of dad’s and my tradition of going out to lunch at White Castle on Christmas Eve. Stemming from a hunt for margarine years ago and suffering from the “crave” only to bear the wrath of a fudge-covered-holiday-stress-ridden matriarch, it quickly became our tradition. Fast-forward several years, Christmas Eve became my “gotcha day” on a very sleepy little 12 pound black poodle who was more content to lay on a pile of shoes than play with his new family. A short year later, Christmas Eve became the day I was expecting for a few months when Rick awkwardly and sweetly got down on bended knee and excitedly asked me to marry him.

Many happy memories are associated with today. I am looking forward to meeting dad at noon and heading to White Castle for the one day a year I indulge in greasy-onion-laden sliders. No really, I love White Castle but I rarely, if ever, will eat it again until next Christmas Eve.

Yet this year, I have a sobering weight lying on my mind. I feel like I can’t really put my finger on it. So many things have happened this month, both happy and very sad things. Things I am not at liberty to affirm but nonetheless have taken a large residence on my heart. All of these things continue to reveal the sovereignty of my God. Leaving me with a great desire to write, to lay it out in words, perhaps my greatest therapeutic outlet. I have preached it several times; especially following my infamous times revolving around Georgia: His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Yet my human mind cannot help but ask, “Why?” Like a two-year-old, we demand to know the answer. Why has this happened? Why me, why us? I know the answer is not always given. And I find great comfort reminding myself of God’s sovereignty. Nothing, nothing is a surprise to Him, the creator of the universe. I can’t help but wonder though…why?

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. Ecclesiastes 11: 5

This is my answer. My limited human brain simply cannot comprehend the work of God. Small glimpse may be comprehendible, but the vast interworking’s of the world around me is simply too great. Only God is in control. And in that, I can rest. For he works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

Christmas time is my favorite time of year. I love December (that’s why we got married in December!). I love the lights, the giving atmosphere, the snow (most of the time). And with so many life-defining events circling Christmas Eve, it is forever connected as a very special time to me. Regardless, Christmas Eve holds so much anticipation and excitement for what the next day will bring: the gifts, the fellowship with family, and the excitement on children’s faces. How can anyone not love a day like today? (I know, that’s really a rhetorical question…)

So with all these things lying heavy on my mind and my heart, I reflect on the meaning of this time of year. God did not have to save us. We disobeyed him. We turned our backs on him. The Bible animates we’ve done it over and over again. Yet he loves us with a capacity so great that, again, we simply cannot comprehend it. Love so great He sent his Son to be our sacrifice for sin so we may be made clean and holy once more. And God continues to pursue us, even as we continue to run, rebuke, and rebel. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but how can you not be in awe of this kind of love? Truly, this is the reason for the season.

So as we enter into this busy and magical time of the year full of family, lights, and gifts, steal a moment to reflect on the meaning of why we celebrate: God’s gift of his Son, the Light of the world, so we may be adopted into his family. And rest in the fact that amid all the business and chaos, He remains in control.

A special thank you to the first responders, doctors, nurses, and all professionals that must work on this special day. Know you are appreciated by those you encounter and while it’s not spoken, it is understood you are missed by your family at that time.

I truly hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Seasons of Life

Oh the seasons of life. A week or so ago I was lamenting to myself about my current season of life: young in our marriage journey still before children, working full time, rotating between normal sleep and zombie status, and overwhelmingly busy with grad school. All I wanted to do was fast forward to being done with school, done with a rotating full time schedule, and herding my unnumbered children. Almost as quickly as the wish entered my mind so did my mother’s voice, and the word of God that says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I must try to enjoy this season of my life. At the very least, not wish it away so quickly.

During one of our many conversations, mom reminded me of some things I said only a mere 2 years ago: 

“We’re waiting at least 2 years,” “When Rick gets a promotion,” “When I’m done with school…”

When mom pointed this out to me, I had not realized that we nearly accomplished all these goals. Rick was promoted this past summer and started he new position this month. In fact, he’s away this whole week for a genius training convention. We celebrate our 2-year anniversary next week, and graduation is in sight. All of these were things we had said we would like to achieve before trying for children., the next season of our life. And before you get too excited, this is NOT a pregnancy announcement post. Sorry to the hopeful relatives reading this. There is however, an announcement.

I applied to grad school because I realized I did not want to spend my career dictated by a unit’s politics or walk so far down one nursing path that seniority would soon enslave me to a unit. A few months of school under my belt and I began applying for various nurse educator jobs. If for nothing else, to gain experience and exposure of interviewing again. Most of the interviews asked into my educator experience. I have very little beyond my precepting and I really feel that was where I was getting dinged the most. After several interviews with no callbacks and becoming frustrated in my general lack of experience, I googled “nurse educator” jobs one night looking for perhaps an adjunct position or a clinical instructor post. Anything I could get my feet wet with. I stumbled on a post for a Sim Lab Educator and clicked further. One application and 4 interviews later, I am pleased to announce that I accepted a position with DeVry’s Chamberlain College of Nursing campus as a Clinical Learning Lab Specialist. So, like-brother-like-sister, I will be working in the Simulation Lab running simulations, assisting with debriefings, and helping students practice and master head-to-toe assessments. My first day will be December 5^th.

Honestly, the day after the first interview when my phone rang and I recognized the number was a callback from Chamberlain, I had a legitimate panic attack on the spot! I was so afraid I was making a stupid decision moving forward with the interview process. Was I really ready to leave bedside nursing? My project isn’t done yet, isn’t even started! What if this is a dumb move financially? I know this is what I’m in school for, is the time really here already to make the move?? All were thoughts racing through my head that induced a full on hyperventilating attack.

I really think the lengthy interviewing process was all in God’s timing as He used those weeks to calm my nerves, settle my fears, and open my eyes to the realization that I am ready to move. I will miss bedside nursing. I know I will. I nearly read mom’s mind when she said, “my only fear for you Renay, is…” that I will miss it. Yes, I will.

I also feel like it was something I couldn’t pass up: a daytime job, no weekends and no holidays. Yes, it’s 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday, but to someone who has no end in sight to rotating midnight shifts, this is every nurse’s dream job. This is also a HUGE opportunity to get my feet wet with education experience. While I’m not directly teaching, I will gain exposure and have a foot in the door when a faculty position does arise.

I do have to stay on at Beaumont as a contingent at least until I can accomplish my research project. 3 shifts a month will be tight but it will be easier than having to jump through new IRB approval hoops as a “non-employee researcher.” And it’s only 9 months to graduation!!

My heart does yearn for children and I pray daily that this is a desire God will one day grant for Rick and I. I recognize my impatience and try to lock away snapshots of our current season, as it is, “just us,” this time before children will change our lives forever. And in every season, “giving thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

I can’t help but reminisce how excited I was to transfer to NICU. I still recall telling my manger that I believed I wanted to spend a significant amount of my career in a position like this. Just as I was writing that blog post, nursing is a profession of constant learning and change. Three years later and still those words are ever true. I also said that God gives us the desires of our heart, the realization of those desires, and the ability to achieve them. So here I go.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. Psalms 37:4-5

5 years

I can hardly believe today marks 5 years. I was wiping away tears driving a jammed packed Ford Fusion through Ohio with the GPS set for Georgia. 5 years ago tonight marked the beginning of the most challenging 2 years of my life.

Regardless of how much has changed since that night--my experiences, my addresses, my jobs, my last name…5 years does not seem like that long ago. “Will I ever not think about it? Not think about what happened down there?” I often ask mom during our extensive “solve all the problems of the world” conversations. The farther I walk away from these milestones, the less it stings…I think.

While it's still cloudy on why God walked me as far as he did in Georgia, in a way, I’m glad for the move, the challenges, the experiences, and to some degree, the sorrow. Surviving those 2 years proved that I am ultimately stronger than I gave myself credit for (although mom and the dog may argue otherwise).

My biggest healing strength is Richard. From our first date he has challenged and destroyed every aspect of what a relationship is I learned in the South. Because of the sadness and hurt, I love and appreciate my relationship with him so much more and I daily thank God for my husband. I don’t think he really knows how good he is to me.

On this day two years ago after I had moved back home but before I had met Richard, I was a mess. Tybee was a 3 month-old puppy barely keeping me functional. Yet today, I do not remember with sadness or regret and that holds so much healing and hope. No, I don’t think I will “ever not think about it,” at least not anytime soon because it was such a pivotal growth-spurt in my life. I anticipate as we add children (Lord-willing) and years to our relationship and life together, my short 2 years in Georgia will continue to grow dimmer and dimmer. But for right now, may the healing continue.