Can't Sleep

I used to brag that I could sleep all day after a shift. Get up around 5pm and be ready to go back to bed at 10pm to sleep blissfully the whole night. The last few months this has not been the case. I refuse to believe it's because I'm "getting old" or that it even has anything to do with all the wedding plans rolling around in my head. The bridal nightmares have subsided somewhat, thankfully. In fact, tonight's nightmare involved a customer placing a $400 dollar order that left in the middle of ordering because we did not offer a bathroom and he felt the need to punish us over it. I haven't worked at the restaurant in over a month so don't ask me where that one came from...

This morning I awoke at the somber hour of 2:30 to pee. Another irregularity for me. Having not produced any children yet I boast a strong bladder and rarely am I ever disturbed to relieve myself. That satisfying moment of flushing the toilet stimulated my brain enough to detain me from slumber. I tried to will it back to sleep, then I tried to bore it back to sleep by watching the second episode of BBC's 6 hour Pride and Prejudice on Hulu. Neither were successful, obviously. With my brain neurons reeling with excess energy I revert to writing. I have much to reflect upon anyways. With the wedding countdown now in the "teens" my mind is beginning to drift to "life after the wedding." I actually do believe it is out there...a life after December 7th. I'm excited for the morning of December 8th but I must admit there is a touch of fear in the excitement. Because as I've expressed in my last post, I understand everything in my little world will change. My address, my schedule, my roommates, my name. I fear that process (name-changing) to a whole 'nother level...

With my mind wandered to life after the wedding, it wandered to Christmas morning. I imagined what it will be like to wake up with my husband and pup in our bedroom, scurry downstairs in my pajamas, and begin to fill our little home with the sounds of Pandora's Christmas station, the smells of fresh brewed coffee, and aroma of something nutella and cinnonmon-y-ly festive that I discovered on Pinterest during my recent 5-night stretch at work. In my childhood, dad was always the first one up on Christmas morning to start a fire, turn all the Christmas lights on, and quietly watch tv as he waited for his children to wake up and come downstairs. As I expected, my father has already asked if we will spend the night on Christmas Eve so we will be there on Christmas morning like Ron and Jenny did the first year they were married (their wedding was just a few weeks before Christmas like us). I'm sure I broke his heart but met his expectations when I declined his invitation. I assured him that Rick and I will be the first to arrive at their house in the afternoon. My absence that morning will be a big adjustment for Larry!

I've always said I was a home-body and I so look forward to starting our own holiday traditions. I was elated to hear Rick asked if we could leave our tree up as long as possible this year because he cannot stand when trees come down the day after Christmas. A man after my own heart! It really is my favorite time of the year. I love decorating my first home with all my Christmas decor and I don't even mind the snow arriving this week. Although I am grateful we don't have as much as Buffalo!

So now that I've exhausted my thoughts into a blog post, I still don't feel any inclination of returning to sleep. I will pay for this come the afternoon unfortunately when I collapse on the couch...But I guess for now, I will return to Hulu and watch the third episode of Pride and Prejudice.

P.S. in case you're wondering: 16 days!

Next Month!

November first! The wedding is next month! Thanks to my sleep schedule I woke up around 6am this morning with the thought of this being my last month of waking up in my childhood bedroom, hearing my dad's footsteps into the office to start payroll, and curling up in my parents' king size bed to gossip with mom before the day begins.

I've been down this road reminiscing "my last time in my parents' house" before just prior to moving down South. In fact it was two years ago today that my dad and uncle departed to come down and move me back to Michigan. However, this "last month" feels a little different and I think because the distance of the move is only a mere 10 minutes and two miles vs. 12 hours and 900 miles. Annnnnd there is a new title coming with this move: WIFE. That one four letter word holds so much weight and responsibility behind it. For months Rick and I have looked forward to the lifestyle of a married couple: creating our schedule for dinners, house chores, comings and goings, and I think we're both especially looking forward to not having to say "goodnight" and "goodbye" in the same sentence. But perhaps what I am most looking forward to is upgrading from sharing my twin size bed with Tybee to sharing a queen size bed with him ;). Still, I know December will hold a massive adjustment period. Actually saying the phrase, "The wedding is next month," forces the gravity of this adjustment to be considered.

Recently, we've past the point I was probably the most afraid of in the wedding process and honestly, I didn't even notice. When Rick proposed and we were in the early stages of wedding planning, I unexpectedly struggled and wrestled with emotions wrapped up in my first engagement. I didn't want to re-plan the same wedding that was attached to a different groom but so many of those elements had me woven all through them. That wedding was a vision I never saw into fruition. For example: my dress. It was an undeniable issue harboring bad mojo. I thought it was my dress; completely unattached to that event. Boy, was I wrong! So it really was no surprise to anyone when I decided to purchase a new one. A decision I never regretted (I cannot wait to wear the dress!). So when I was jilted to the fact that I had unresolved emotion to planning a new wedding, I became aware to the potential that I might panic at mailing invitations or surpassing the 40 day mark. Both were centered on when my first engagement collapsed. But never once did I ever question Richard. Even when we were dating I have had no doubt of his love and devotion for me. I used to get angry over the fact that I went through the process of planning a wedding once before and try as I might not to compare the two, it felt inevitable. When it comes to my first relationship I felt I was divorced before I was even married. I know all of it was no surprise to God and my only response should be gratitude for walking me through and pulling me out of it. Because of that rocky relationship, I recognize and treasure Richard so much more. I'm not easy to love at times but he has never wavered. Most of the time he's smiling when I'm walking through a dark patch. And he has held me and let me cry when the wrecking ball was released. He truly is the man of my dreams (cue the cheezeballs).

I didn't even notice until weeks after the invitations were out that we had passed that point I was most afraid of. I'm pretty certain I was blanketed in an all-surpassing peace. 

So we're down to 37 days...5 weeks! All the details are wrapped up in this final month and I'm to a point where I don't go anywhere or do anything without my wedding planner. Funny, when I moved back home two years ago I made a personal goal to stabilize myself at my parents' house within two years and move out again on my own. God had his own way of holding me to that!