I was never very fond of this commandment. By nature, I'm not the most out-going and I'm certainly not the first to strike up a conversation. I'm also not the type to get caught up in philosophical debate or take a stated side in a heated controversy. I prefer to keep my opinions and my viewpoints quite and to myself. It doesn't matter that much to me what you think and it's not that I'm apathetic it's just I prefer to recognize everyone is entitled to their own opinion whether it's republican or democratic, gay or straight, abort or pro-life, chicken or beef, white or ecru. I have my standards and morals that I live by and I recognize everyone else does as well. In the end, God is our sovereign and final judge. But since I was small and could comprehend the gravity of sin and it's consequences and God's vast love in Christ's sacrifice, I've been quietly convicted of this commandment and struggled in mustering the courage to follow it.
Just because you go on a "mission trip" doesn't automatically make you a disciple-maker. In fact, I greatly struggled with my fear that I would be in a position to share my faith and I wouldn't have the words to say. I know God gives me those words "for it is the power of God at work," but Satan loves to trample on that truth and make my grip on it weaker by placing this doubt in my mind that I would clam up and be left wordless. I know, it seems silly to you as you read my mile and a half long blogs that I could possibly be wordless.
With this fear of being wordless to share my faith is also the fear of praying aloud with others. In small group settings I have no issues engaging in conversations. I like to think that I am personable and agreeable. I look forward to Sunday night sunday school, interviews are normally no sweat to me, and I meet new patients and family members all the time. But there is something about closing my eyes and speaking to my Father in front others that terrifies me. Here's the irrational fear: these "others" are my brothers and sisters in Christ who love Him and strive to follow Him and love and cherish their fellow siblings in Christ--just like me! So needless to say, last summer was challenging for me as I prepared with my team and traveled to Uganda for the work of God. I was fearful when people would ask about my trip that it might lead into a conversation about my faith and what I believe which I feared would prelude to judgement on my character.
It's only happened once before. February 2012 about 5 am and it too inspired a blog post. I do not handle anxious patients very well. When the Xanax, Ativan, and Seroquel doesn't work, I'm essentially left grasping for straws. So when my patient a few weeks ago spiraled into a full blown panic attack with no means of consoling her, I felt I had no where else to go. She said she was afraid of dying, that her heart would stop and I that she couldn't breath. She was fine. Heart rate was normal, her blood oxygen saturation was at 100%, her breathing rate although shallow, was sufficient. But when she said she was afraid of dying, I felt a pull on my heart to ask: "Do you know who Jesus is?" There it happened. That conversation starter I so feared initiating. Down South, this conversation is everyday. Especially in the hospital. My patients would be inviting me to their church services and talking about how their grandson is a preacher and what Sunday church potlucks were happening. Up here, I feel it's near taboo to even suggest a chaplain visit because why else would you need a religious leader in your hospital room unless you were about to die? But this poor woman so desperately needed the peace of Jesus. Here she was in her mid 80's petrified to die. I would like to think my only fear in death is what I may miss here on Earth but I know through my Savior that I will be with my heavenly Father where there is no sin, no fear, no suffering, and no pain. When I asked her about Jesus, her answer was heart-wrenching. She said she knew of him all her life. She went to church every week and tried to live a good life. But there are so many different things that people say about Him that she never knew what to believe. Eight plus years and she never found clarity. I narrowed it down and asked her what she thought about Jesus and who he was. She said he was a good person but she wasn't sure about what his purpose was. I asked if she talked to God at all and asked for his peace. She said yes but she was still terrified. I tried to focus on the positives in her life. She had been married for over 60 years, her next birthday was this month, she had successful children and beautiful grandchildren. But she was still focused on death. That was it, I had to tell her. She had lived 80 years in and out of church and never comprehended the simplicity of Salvation. I trudged through these unnavigated waters, silently praying to God for words as I did my best attempting to share these truths with my anxious patient:
God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through Him.
For it is by Grace you have been saved through faith
Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.
I've desired this to be an integral part of my nursing career. I am in such a wonderful position to share the work of God with strangers at such a vulnerable and undesired time of their lives. Shouldn't I be just a vulnerable to share my faith? But even as I think about approaching the subject with them, I feel tears welling in my eyes. Seriously just the thought of asking to pray with them I start to cry. I put myself in their shoes and I feel so heavily their pain. Especially at moments of passing. Instead, I quietly excuse myself, leave them to their privacy, and say a prayer in the hallway. And I greeve a missed opportunity again and again because of my irrational fear.
She blessed me again and again in a way only a grandmotherly 80 year old woman can. She said I will never know what kind of blessing I've been and ironically, she asked God to bless me. Perhaps this experience already has. I'm always telling my patients that they cannot run a marathon when they are only well enough to take baby steps. Perhaps this is just another baby step for me in getting comfortable and facing my fear.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
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