The Big Blue House

One day in the summer of 1978, my parents were

riding their bikes through the city of Berkley when my dad stopped at a large vacant lot in the middle of Oakshire Ave. With the idea of a new construction and a large yard as a play space for their growing family, they quickly jumped at the opportunity. Ground broke at closing and on January 17, 1979 with a three year old, one and a half year old, and one due in April, my family moved into the “big blue house” on Oakshire Ave.

It was the place I was brought home from the hospital to. Where I took my first steps, was raised with my four brothers, endured middle school, graduated high school, and survived nursing school. It was the nest I moved out of and moved back into. Where I raised my puppy, first brought “the boy” home to, and the place where I put on my wedding dress on my wedding day.

In an age of fluidity where people are constantly moving, changing jobs and locations, it is rare for an individual to say they grew up in the same house since birth. From a stability standpoint, I have been very blessed. It was the place I craved the most during my time in Georgia and it was the haven I needed when my world then fell apart. Always there, never changing.

After supporting the growth of five children, multiple friendships, sleepovers, birthdays, holidays, and family gatherings… Today, the big blue house was closed.

The sacrifices made by my parents to raise “us 5 kids” are unnumbered. We were always the priority and I never doubted that. This home was the vessel to fulfill the promise my parents made to the Lord in raising “us kids.” Because of this place, I know how to fill my home with love and support, and understand what is eternal. For that lesson, I am grateful.

3596 Oakshire Ave.

January 17, 1979 – June 1, 2017

38 years, 4 months, 15 days

1 family

5 children

4 grandchildren

3 dogs

Thanks for the memories. May the two new homes to be built give just as much to their families as you did to ours.

Christmas Eve

Arguably my favorite day of the year. Many of you know of dad’s and my tradition of going out to lunch at White Castle on Christmas Eve. Stemming from a hunt for margarine years ago and suffering from the “crave” only to bear the wrath of a fudge-covered-holiday-stress-ridden matriarch, it quickly became our tradition. Fast-forward several years, Christmas Eve became my “gotcha day” on a very sleepy little 12 pound black poodle who was more content to lay on a pile of shoes than play with his new family. A short year later, Christmas Eve became the day I was expecting for a few months when Rick awkwardly and sweetly got down on bended knee and excitedly asked me to marry him.

Many happy memories are associated with today. I am looking forward to meeting dad at noon and heading to White Castle for the one day a year I indulge in greasy-onion-laden sliders. No really, I love White Castle but I rarely, if ever, will eat it again until next Christmas Eve.

Yet this year, I have a sobering weight lying on my mind. I feel like I can’t really put my finger on it. So many things have happened this month, both happy and very sad things. Things I am not at liberty to affirm but nonetheless have taken a large residence on my heart. All of these things continue to reveal the sovereignty of my God. Leaving me with a great desire to write, to lay it out in words, perhaps my greatest therapeutic outlet. I have preached it several times; especially following my infamous times revolving around Georgia: His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Yet my human mind cannot help but ask, “Why?” Like a two-year-old, we demand to know the answer. Why has this happened? Why me, why us? I know the answer is not always given. And I find great comfort reminding myself of God’s sovereignty. Nothing, nothing is a surprise to Him, the creator of the universe. I can’t help but wonder though…why?

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. Ecclesiastes 11: 5

This is my answer. My limited human brain simply cannot comprehend the work of God. Small glimpse may be comprehendible, but the vast interworking’s of the world around me is simply too great. Only God is in control. And in that, I can rest. For he works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

Christmas time is my favorite time of year. I love December (that’s why we got married in December!). I love the lights, the giving atmosphere, the snow (most of the time). And with so many life-defining events circling Christmas Eve, it is forever connected as a very special time to me. Regardless, Christmas Eve holds so much anticipation and excitement for what the next day will bring: the gifts, the fellowship with family, and the excitement on children’s faces. How can anyone not love a day like today? (I know, that’s really a rhetorical question…)

So with all these things lying heavy on my mind and my heart, I reflect on the meaning of this time of year. God did not have to save us. We disobeyed him. We turned our backs on him. The Bible animates we’ve done it over and over again. Yet he loves us with a capacity so great that, again, we simply cannot comprehend it. Love so great He sent his Son to be our sacrifice for sin so we may be made clean and holy once more. And God continues to pursue us, even as we continue to run, rebuke, and rebel. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but how can you not be in awe of this kind of love? Truly, this is the reason for the season.

So as we enter into this busy and magical time of the year full of family, lights, and gifts, steal a moment to reflect on the meaning of why we celebrate: God’s gift of his Son, the Light of the world, so we may be adopted into his family. And rest in the fact that amid all the business and chaos, He remains in control.

A special thank you to the first responders, doctors, nurses, and all professionals that must work on this special day. Know you are appreciated by those you encounter and while it’s not spoken, it is understood you are missed by your family at that time.

I truly hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Seasons of Life

Oh the seasons of life. A week or so ago I was lamenting to myself about my current season of life: young in our marriage journey still before children, working full time, rotating between normal sleep and zombie status, and overwhelmingly busy with grad school. All I wanted to do was fast forward to being done with school, done with a rotating full time schedule, and herding my unnumbered children. Almost as quickly as the wish entered my mind so did my mother’s voice, and the word of God that says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I must try to enjoy this season of my life. At the very least, not wish it away so quickly.

During one of our many conversations, mom reminded me of some things I said only a mere 2 years ago: 

“We’re waiting at least 2 years,” “When Rick gets a promotion,” “When I’m done with school…”

When mom pointed this out to me, I had not realized that we nearly accomplished all these goals. Rick was promoted this past summer and started he new position this month. In fact, he’s away this whole week for a genius training convention. We celebrate our 2-year anniversary next week, and graduation is in sight. All of these were things we had said we would like to achieve before trying for children., the next season of our life. And before you get too excited, this is NOT a pregnancy announcement post. Sorry to the hopeful relatives reading this. There is however, an announcement.

I applied to grad school because I realized I did not want to spend my career dictated by a unit’s politics or walk so far down one nursing path that seniority would soon enslave me to a unit. A few months of school under my belt and I began applying for various nurse educator jobs. If for nothing else, to gain experience and exposure of interviewing again. Most of the interviews asked into my educator experience. I have very little beyond my precepting and I really feel that was where I was getting dinged the most. After several interviews with no callbacks and becoming frustrated in my general lack of experience, I googled “nurse educator” jobs one night looking for perhaps an adjunct position or a clinical instructor post. Anything I could get my feet wet with. I stumbled on a post for a Sim Lab Educator and clicked further. One application and 4 interviews later, I am pleased to announce that I accepted a position with DeVry’s Chamberlain College of Nursing campus as a Clinical Learning Lab Specialist. So, like-brother-like-sister, I will be working in the Simulation Lab running simulations, assisting with debriefings, and helping students practice and master head-to-toe assessments. My first day will be December 5^th.

Honestly, the day after the first interview when my phone rang and I recognized the number was a callback from Chamberlain, I had a legitimate panic attack on the spot! I was so afraid I was making a stupid decision moving forward with the interview process. Was I really ready to leave bedside nursing? My project isn’t done yet, isn’t even started! What if this is a dumb move financially? I know this is what I’m in school for, is the time really here already to make the move?? All were thoughts racing through my head that induced a full on hyperventilating attack.

I really think the lengthy interviewing process was all in God’s timing as He used those weeks to calm my nerves, settle my fears, and open my eyes to the realization that I am ready to move. I will miss bedside nursing. I know I will. I nearly read mom’s mind when she said, “my only fear for you Renay, is…” that I will miss it. Yes, I will.

I also feel like it was something I couldn’t pass up: a daytime job, no weekends and no holidays. Yes, it’s 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday, but to someone who has no end in sight to rotating midnight shifts, this is every nurse’s dream job. This is also a HUGE opportunity to get my feet wet with education experience. While I’m not directly teaching, I will gain exposure and have a foot in the door when a faculty position does arise.

I do have to stay on at Beaumont as a contingent at least until I can accomplish my research project. 3 shifts a month will be tight but it will be easier than having to jump through new IRB approval hoops as a “non-employee researcher.” And it’s only 9 months to graduation!!

My heart does yearn for children and I pray daily that this is a desire God will one day grant for Rick and I. I recognize my impatience and try to lock away snapshots of our current season, as it is, “just us,” this time before children will change our lives forever. And in every season, “giving thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

I can’t help but reminisce how excited I was to transfer to NICU. I still recall telling my manger that I believed I wanted to spend a significant amount of my career in a position like this. Just as I was writing that blog post, nursing is a profession of constant learning and change. Three years later and still those words are ever true. I also said that God gives us the desires of our heart, the realization of those desires, and the ability to achieve them. So here I go.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. Psalms 37:4-5

5 years

I can hardly believe today marks 5 years. I was wiping away tears driving a jammed packed Ford Fusion through Ohio with the GPS set for Georgia. 5 years ago tonight marked the beginning of the most challenging 2 years of my life.

Regardless of how much has changed since that night--my experiences, my addresses, my jobs, my last name…5 years does not seem like that long ago. “Will I ever not think about it? Not think about what happened down there?” I often ask mom during our extensive “solve all the problems of the world” conversations. The farther I walk away from these milestones, the less it stings…I think.

While it's still cloudy on why God walked me as far as he did in Georgia, in a way, I’m glad for the move, the challenges, the experiences, and to some degree, the sorrow. Surviving those 2 years proved that I am ultimately stronger than I gave myself credit for (although mom and the dog may argue otherwise).

My biggest healing strength is Richard. From our first date he has challenged and destroyed every aspect of what a relationship is I learned in the South. Because of the sadness and hurt, I love and appreciate my relationship with him so much more and I daily thank God for my husband. I don’t think he really knows how good he is to me.

On this day two years ago after I had moved back home but before I had met Richard, I was a mess. Tybee was a 3 month-old puppy barely keeping me functional. Yet today, I do not remember with sadness or regret and that holds so much healing and hope. No, I don’t think I will “ever not think about it,” at least not anytime soon because it was such a pivotal growth-spurt in my life. I anticipate as we add children (Lord-willing) and years to our relationship and life together, my short 2 years in Georgia will continue to grow dimmer and dimmer. But for right now, may the healing continue.

Inconveniently Sopping Wet

It never appealed to me and I saw no point to it. Why should I have to stand in front of everyone, tell my story of which no one is probably interested in, and then get inconveniently dunked and sopping wet. I was the two-year-old insatiably asking, “why?”

So why do it? What has changed my mind? To stand up in front of everyone, calm my nerves in telling myself that no one is paying any attention anyways, and get inconveniently sopping wet.

I want to.  And by that I mean God has laid the desire upon my heart. Baptism is not a means to salvation. That is achieved only through faith. For it is by faith I have been saved through grace (Ephesians 2:8). Baptism is the public demonstration of my faith in God, in Jesus Christ, and the Holy Sprit’s dwelling in me.  

Some sprinkle, some pour, some do it in rivers, some in pools, some do babies, and some do it to convert faiths.

So why do it by immersion? This method by getting inconveniently sopping wet is very important. It is an illustration. When I accepted Christ and committed my life to him, I aligned myself with him in his death and rose with him in life. Well then, should we keep on sinning so God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we may also live new lives. Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. -Romans 6: 1-5. Immersion baptism illustrates this transformation. We are led under the surface in Christ’s death on the cross and rise above as Christ was in eternal life.

This is not making me a blameless and sinless person. So long as we remain in this world, that cannot be. It is a public demonstration of my commitment to God. I belong to Him. My name is written upon His hand.  And that is why I agree to get inconveniently sopping wet.

2014

This morning I wandered back to my final post of 2013. I excitedly retold our proposal story and eagerly looked forward to everything that 2014 was going to offer. One year later, I can't help but smile because I am just as happy (if not more) as I was 365 days ago.

Since getting an iPhone, I've installed and come to a love-hate relationship with a particular app, "Timehop." It loves to time travel and remind you of all the inconsequential things you posted, talked about, and put on display on social media however many years ago. When I installed and began checking in daily to see my past dealings I never thought that what I might see would be anything I wouldn't want to be reminded of. Oddly enough, the time of the year I installed it was the same time of the year that revolved around the saddest portion of my past. So I was near immediately reminded of what I was going through 3 years ago. Of course the initial emotion is pained and personal embarrassment that I actually believed or went through with any of it. But since being on this side of the coin, I'm growing to appreciate and be grateful for some of those experiences. And I look into the face of my husband and I am so happy. At some moments I'm so overwhelmed with it that I start crying. It's like my darkest night turned into the brightest, warmest day.

I've said it before, I may never know why I had to go through so much hurt and pain, why God walked me through that time, what lesson I had to learn. But I am growing to appreciate those experiences because they are positively influencing my relationships now. Rick said, "You just needed to make a pit-stop because I wasn't ready to meet you yet."

2014 was a great year. I landed an awesome position in the NICU and joined an amazing "work-family," bought a cute 3-bedroom bungalow that I'm quickly evolving my homemaker skills in, survived the flood of 2014, and married my best friend and love of my life. I'm looking forward to kissing him at midnight tonight and welcoming all the challenges and blessings that God has for us in 2015! Not to mention all the reminders that Timehop will give me throughout the next year :)

Perfection

It was perfect. I can honestly sit here and say that my wedding day was perfect.

I could list all the things that went awry like a few "lost" groomsmen who were otherwise busy locking our tv, microwave, and fridge's water dispenser rather than getting dressed with their brother on time with the photographer, the sensation of feeling rushed to get family members posed for portraits, the guests trying to sneak a peak at the bridal party while trying to get said portraits, the crying 2 year old moments before walking down the aisle, the bustle that just wouldn't stay bustled, or the shattered cake topper. But none of that held any weight when the entirety of the day is looked at. 

My parents' house soon filled with hair and make-up supplies and just as they were finishing making us girls gorgeous, our photographer and videographers arrived. I think Megan and Hannah had a lot of fun getting dolled up! Mom even got some attention!

Megan got a hold of my phone and took the liberty of taking some self portraits.

writing my final note!

Rick's wedding gift was something I had worked on for 8 months.  Our first anniversary of dating was April 6th. So on that day, I started a journal to him. He's said on multiple occasions how much he enjoys my writing. So I wrote to him everyday since April 6th and chronicled our engagement journey to our wedding day. (after 245 entries I had one page left over in the book!). His gift to me was a white and rose gold heart necklace with a letter he wrote that morning on yellow legal paper. I loved it! Our videographer caught me reading it aloud on camera, of course I balled through it as well as everyone else in the room. I was really surprised at how heartfelt his note was, he even perfectly and meaningfully incorporated our first dance lyrics into his note.

Reading the first entry at the hotel room.
I loved seeing his ring on!

Moments before walking down the aisle, Larry was anything but the ball of nerves I thought he would be. In fact, he was probably more chill than I was! Thankfully, he may have gotten all the jitters out at rehearsal because he was nothing like the wreck he was that night.  After nearly an hour of hiding out in the bathroom with my mom and bridesmaids, I remember standing in the hallway waiting to be cued in, recognizing Cannon in D playing, and immediately lighting up just knowing we were now moments away. When we made the right turn out of the hallway and was facing the alter, I saw no one. No one but Rick standing there, waiting for me at the other end. Our ceremony was short and to the point and before either of us really realized it I think, we were being pronounced husband and wife! Husband...it is so weird referring to my husband. I was calling Rick my fiance at least a month before the ring even came in so I'm not sure why this new title is so bizarre to get used to!

Our reception was a great time to unwind all that pent up energy that accumulated the hours before the ceremony. I remember feeling relieved that our "performance" was over and we could just enjoy ourselves at the reception. I was a behaved little bride and stuck to the champagne for the toasts and water for my meal. I don't think Rick and I got anywhere near our money's worth out of the bar (but one thing is for sure, we can remember our wedding night!)

Our first dance that we practiced and stressed over for months I think actually turned out really well! I haven't seen it played back yet but I know that we at least didn't miss or repeat any steps and I think the fact that we did the dance without any real difficulty in my big dress with a bustle that came undone in the middle of the routine is impressive enough for me! I can't wait to see it on our full length video when we get it back. I feel a little silly for getting so stressed out over the first dance, especially the day before. Needless to say, we've given up dance lessons as a "hobby."

Our 2-day "mini-moon" was perfection as well. We stayed the two nights at the Townsend hotel, had breakfast in bed both mornings, relaxed, did a little Christmas shopping, ate some outrageously priced steak that redefined "slices like butter," and just enjoyed saying out loud our new names, "husband" and "wife." I still had another week off from work and spent it very slowly packing and moving out of my childhood room. I dreaded that task. It's a small room but I filled every possible inch of that closet and I'm sure there is still stuff in the basement and dark corners of my parent's house. But overall, living in my home has been a pretty seamless transition. I'm glad I had that week off to adjust before going back to my midnight routine.

"helping unpack"

So, so far married life has been a dream. I'm discovering how much I enjoy keeping house. Especially preparing and planning dinners. No complaints from Rick's end there! Tybee and Rooty are slowly figuring out their new routines too since living in two separate houses. Tybee is slowing becoming less attached and has stopped following me around the house so much. He's taken to his new hobby of neighborhood watch dog.

It's nice not planning for a wedding anymore. It's also nice to not be buying stuff for the wedding either! In all honesty, I truly feel my wedding was completely everything I hoped and envisioned it to be. From the deep red roses in my bouquet to mom's long veil, the feeling of intimacy and glow of candlelight, all the symbolism and sentimentality I wanted to incorporate, to the man at the end of the aisle. Everyone we hired was fantastic too, I have some seriously glowing reviews to write about every single one of our vendors. I can't think of a single complaint on one of them! It took me two weeks after the wedding to even realize I did not exert one ounce of energy the entire day even thinking about the previous wedding I planned and lost and fought so hard to forget. Rick laughed when I said this realization to him and he jokingly exclaimed, "I win!" I have so much fun to look forward to with him!

Our first meal!