In late January Mom, Tracy, and I attended a bridal show. Mom and I went to one a few years ago but I don't remember all the uncomfortable focused attention and the bombardment of questions like, "do you have your venue picked out, do you have your dress, what about a photographer, are you having a DJ, where will you honeymoon, what colors are you using, do you want to host a pure romance party??" While I was in the middle of it, I couldn't figure out why I was all of a sudden so uncomfortable with all the questions inquiring into my upcoming event but as I've processed it I think there may have been some resurfacing emotions I didn't know I was going to have to deal with. Like, seeing my dress again for the first time since my second fitting in 3 years. I loved and still love how beautiful it looks with my mom's veil, as if they were made to go together 40 years apart. But at that time I couldn't figure out my emotions. I stepped out of the dress and just wanted to move on with the rest of the day's tasks.
It seemed that every other detail: photographer, dj, florist, baker, while I have vendors in mind, I can't really move forward with any planning until we got our location picked and a deposit placed on a date. I've always wanted a hotel wedding for specific reasons: I don't want to spend my wedding day traveling from place to place. I want to wake up in a hotel suite, have hair & make-up come to me, have my bridesmaids and mom and mom-in-law all in the same room with me, go down the elevator, get married, dance my socks off (with my recently validated horrid dancing skills), go back up the elevator with my husband, and go to bed. That sounds like the perfect way to have a wedding to me. And as most of you know, I've been down this road before. I've planned a wedding, booked that hotel, arranged the details, and never saw the fruition of that vision. Now that I'm back in the proverbial saddle, I think some of those hurt emotions resurfaced and I wasn't prepared for it. Honestly, I didn't think they even existed. I've been so happy with Rick that I never gave them a thought. But as I spent an entire day emailing and researching hotels and venues and discovering the disappointments of inflated expenses and booked dates I got frustrated. And I got mad. I was mad that I planned a wedding, like I was robbed of the joy of doing this all for the first time. I was mad that every time someone innocently asked me if I had my wedding dress yet, I felt pressed to explain that I was engaged before so I've had it in storage for 3 years. It's like every time someone asks a question, a small knife was stabbing me, reminding me of that huge hurt. And it's not a grief for that wedding or that person I intending to marry. It's the fact that I had to go through that huge hurt. I cannot see the reason for why I had to endure that heartbreak or why it's scarred me so much that it's had this effect on what should be a very happy time now. I love Rick, he is the image to me of how Christ pursues his bride, the church. He would do anything for me, he loves me unconditionally. Even as I sat down to express these things to him when we both started to get frustrated with the location search, he just wrapped his arms around me and said, "It doesn't matter to me, I just want to see you at the end of the aisle. Wherever it ends up being."
I'm not a super anal person. I know plenty of people that are far more anal than me (*ahem* my brothers *ahem*). But I do know what I like, don't like, and what I want, especially when it comes to my wedding. I didn't want a cookie cutter location that looks like an average generic banquet hall with no character, no distinction, and chairs that beg you to upgrade to chivari. After one big disappointment, I finally caved and decided to give a "hall" a shot and made an appointment for a viewing. Before mom and I even walked through the vestibule, I was pretty certain this was it. The Iroquois Club. What made me change my vision of a hotel fairytale so quickly? I could envision my loved ones sitting in the seats, the Christmas lights hung on the wooden ceiling beams, Rick standing in front of the Wisconsin ledge-rock fireplace waiting for me, and I could see myself walking down the aisle in that beautiful dress. That's what I've subconsciously been looking for. It's difficult to put into words and I've sat on this blog post for some time now searching for a non-cliche way to describe the wedding planning process up to now. But alas, I must resort to the cliche of "I could just see it." Rick even agreed, it was the phrase he was waiting to hear out of me before he handed his card over for the deposit. "This is the place I can see us getting married in!"
So dear blog readers, the date is officially set, and our countdown has begun!
Sunday December 7, 2014
9 months
40 weeks
276 days.
