Of all the forms of wisdom, hindsight is by general consent the least merciful, the most unforgiving—John Fletcher
Last year I resigned from a job I loved where I met my best friend, Miracle and my mentor, Ms. Kay. I left this little town where I established my first independent life and stretched out my wings. And I abandoned this wild idea that I had fallen in love and was gonna spend the rest of my life with this southern gentleman. I moved back in with my parents, occupied 90% of my brother's storage locker, started a new job, adopted a puppy, adventured to Africa, and met a northern (true) gentleman I'm pretty certain I will spend the rest of my life with. So in hindsight, not all of the happenings in the last year were depressing :)
Moving home was more of a challenge than I was anticipating. When I started at Beaumont just a week after moving back, I overestimated my adjustment. It really was just like leaving your small hometown high school you've been in all your life and starting out in the middle of the semester at a new metropolitan school (where do the cool kids sit at lunch?). There certainly were some challenges. I pushed mom beyond her breaking point with my wild mood swings and perpetual depression. On this side of the transition I can clearly say, I did not transition well.
I feel like all this happened so much longer than just a mere year ago. Like Rick, I feel like I've known him all my life instead of meeting him for the first time at BDubs only 7 months ago. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, It's true. He fits in so naturally with my family. We are similar in all the right ways and complement in all our opposites. And of course, there is Tybee. That velvety furball addition to our family that I questioned for weeks, "What have I gotten myself into?" has wiggled-butt his way into an obvious member of our family.
So I've finally achieved one full year at Beaumont. "My sentencing" as a co-worker deemed the hospital policy, is finally up and I am free to consider other options within the hospital. At Beaumont, you are owned by the unit you are hired upon for 12 months. In order to transfer in under 12 months, you require manager approval. I begrudgingly learned of this little tidbit 2 months into my employment. I looked at it this way: as challenging and as unhappy as I was, God placed me on MPCU for a reason. There was something for me to learn on this unit and whatever it was, try as I might to get off of it sooner, I was stuck there until I learned it. So I stopped fighting it and reconciled myself to the notion that I was there for at least a year. If something came up before the end of my 12 months, then it be God's Will to go. But for the time being, I was were I was suppose to be.
Rick and I have been attending a bible study on Sunday nights at our church. One of our lessons focused on a verse mom and dad instilled in me as a young girl. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." It's too easy to read this verse and say what I've just said, that I'm right where God wants me to be, that all I need to do is trust him. But as we dove deeper into what it means to trust him, the lesson asked us to focus on another verse in Hebrews 10:36. It was a lightbulb moment for me:
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
For the past year, I've been enduring these challenges because I believe them to be a part of God's plan for me. And he has been faithful to me. When I read this verse, I realized I need to be patient with his will, to accomplish all that he has planned for me. And he knows my desires, he knew I wanted to live near my family, that I would love and cherish a poodle, and he knows that I want to work in pediatrics, he knows that I desire to raise a family. He is my heavenly father, my provider. I can see how my earthly father loves and cares for me, how much greater does God love me and how awesome and perfect his plan is for me. Nothing about what happened last year was a surprise to him. He orchestrated it all for a purpose. God doesn't have hindsight.
But for me, however, I can clearly see in hindsight that I learned some big lessons and I've walked down some paths that in hindsight I'm glad I walked. And now in foresight, I'm elated to imagine what may be coming. I've fallen in love (yes, dear blog readers) with a fellow yankee and by the grace of God he's looking beyond my "in hindsight" mistakes. I told my sister one night, "Being on this side, in this relationship, I can finally see what love and a true relationship is." So passing this one year mark is a big milestone for me because you know, the first year is always the hardest.
If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God.You'd be a stone. You'd never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You'd never love anyone, ever again. You'd never dare to. —Margaret Atwood
Daring to embrace the next year...love, Naynay <3
