fresh perspective

I got a job, bought a car, signed a lease on my very first place, successfully made my first batch of fudge...in a pot that is not my mom's ancient green avocado pot, cut down my first Christmas tree, tried some new recipes. Saved some, nix'd some. Learned how to buy my own groceries, always knew how much I hated grocery shopping. Lost my beloved first car, bought another car, realized how challenging my job is, realized how much I love my job.

Like turning the page at the end of a chapter or closing the cover at the end of a book, I've put my first blog on the shelf. Every now and then I may privately visit those memories but for now I'm aware enough to know that my heart is still raw and emotions still fresh that the best place for those moments is up on the shelf right where I know they are.

So it is with a fresh perspective that I start a new blog. Funny enough, my mom, the former nurse herself, said I missed my calling when I stopped writing.

So five more weeks. That's all I have left in this chapter of my life. I'll move beyond my first job, my first place, my first big adventures. And I know I will miss it. Perhaps not as much as I may think. Or perhaps it will take me by surprise and I will collapse in tears on the couch like I did the first week I was home in August when all of the busyness I created ceased and my world imploded. At least mom was there to tell me it was normal. A luxury I had been lacking in.

It was not my first choice to move back in with my parents. You make that first independent move out of the proverbial nest with all the intentions of not flying back into it. But I'm blessed enough to have parents without question lovingly take me back in. And an abundant family that will without estranged looks or awkwardness wrap and rally their support around me. Besides, I'm just following the Streetman trend by moving back in. Also, I would really like to try the whole living debt-free and wealth-building life-style Dave Ramsey speaks of as a very real possibility. The proverb is basically drilled into my head, "The borrower is slave to the lender." I need to get my feet back on solid ground, I've been swimming in fluidity for far too long.

As much as I know I will miss parts of my life now, I'm excited for my new adventure. I'm excited about looking for my own place near my hometown on my own time, about starting my new job in a new hospital, meeting new people, starting over (for the most part, I know I'm still going to have to explain why I was in Georgia), gaining more experience and continuing to seek God's Will for my life and navigating the desires that He places in me.

I cannot say I know why the last 18 months occurred in the way that they did for an end that seems like it was "all for nothing." I cannot say I know what God's purpose was in moving me away from my family, why I wasn't home to support my mom, help my dad, enjoy Hannah's first year of life, see any of Ben's baseball games or Megan's gymnastics. Facebook and Skype simply cannot substitute. But I know there are some things we may never understand, and who are we to ask God, the creator of the universe, who knows us completely, what His reasoning are? His understanding surpasses our small human minds. Through this all I can still see where he has been faithful to me and is still carrying me through. I can hear His voice quietly whispering, "Stop worrying, stop seeking, I'm taking care of you."

October will be both a slow and a fast moving month for me (no pun intended). I'm going to try to savor every moment of the good times, and forget the ones I don't care to remember. As I thought about a title for this blog, I contemplated just keeping my old one but I felt there needed to be a separation. The theme of a heart kept coming back to me and being a nurse, I deal with matters of the heart all the time, emotional just as much as physical. So I settled on a title as I crossed the Georgia state line driving back in this week. I recognized a sense of happiness to be back and realized that even after I move back to Michigan, I feel a part of my heart will always be in the South.